Someone raises their voice. Or the conversation turns tense. And suddenly you’re gone.

Not physically. You’re still standing there. But your mind goes blank, the words you needed are nowhere to be found, and you feel strangely far away from the whole thing. Later, usually at 2am, every single thing you should have said arrives perfectly formed. But in the moment? Nothing.

If this is you, I want you to know something before we go any further. You are not weak. You are not a pushover. And you are definitely not broken. What you’re experiencing has a name, and once you understand it, so much of your life starts to make sense.

It’s called the freeze response.

What is the freeze response?

Most of us have heard of fight or flight. When your brain senses a threat, it floods your body with stress hormones so you can either confront the danger or run from it. The NHS describes this as your body’s natural alarm system, and it’s brilliant when the threat is a car swerving towards you.

But there are actually four trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze and fawn. (I’ve written about the fawn response here: https://www.saravida.co/what-is-the-fawn-response/

Freeze is what happens when your nervous system decides that neither fighting nor fleeing feels safe or possible. So it does the only thing left. It shuts down. Think of an animal playing dead. That’s not a decision the animal makes. It’s the body’s oldest survival strategy: if I go still and quiet, maybe the danger will pass.

Your body is doing exactly the same thing in that tense conversation. It’s not that you can’t think of what to say. It’s that your nervous system has temporarily taken thinking offline, because somewhere along the line it learned that going quiet was the safest option.

Why do I freeze instead of speaking up?

Here’s the question I hear so often, usually asked with real frustration: “Why can’t I just stand up for myself?”

The honest answer is that your freeze response was learned, and it was probably learned a long time ago. For many of us, it started in childhood. If you grew up in a home where conflict felt frightening, where a parent’s anger was unpredictable, or where speaking up made things worse, your nervous system took notes. It learned that in the face of someone else’s big emotions, the safest thing to do was go small, go quiet, go still.

And it worked. That’s the part we forget. Freezing protected you. It got you through.

The trouble is that your nervous system doesn’t know you’re an adult now. It doesn’t know that the person across the table is your partner or your colleague, not the angry adult from your childhood. It just recognises the pattern, raised voice, tense atmosphere, and reaches for the strategy that kept you safe before.

This is also why you might notice you assume people are angry with you even when they’re not. A nervous system trained to scan for conflict finds it everywhere.

Signs you’re in freeze (not just “being quiet”)

Freeze can be subtle, and it often gets mistaken for calmness, stubbornness or not caring. Here’s what it can actually look like:

• Your mind goes completely blank mid conversation
• You feel numb, foggy or strangely detached, like you’re watching the scene from outside your body
• Your voice comes out flat or very quiet, or you can’t speak at all
• You feel heavy, frozen to the spot, unable to leave even though you want to
• You agree to things just to make the moment end, then feel awful afterwards
• Hours or days later, the anger or hurt finally arrives, along with all the things you wish you’d said

That last one matters. People who freeze often think they “don’t feel things properly” because the emotion shows up so late. You do feel things. Your body just presses pause on the feeling until it decides it’s safe to feel it.

Freeze vs fawn: what’s the difference?

These two get tangled together, and plenty of us do both.

Fawn is active appeasement. You keep the peace by pleasing, agreeing, apologising, making yourself useful. You move towards the other person to soothe them.

Freeze is shutdown. You’re not managing the other person, you’ve gone offline. Numb, blank, absent.

A simple way to tell them apart in the moment: fawn feels like frantically doing, freeze feels like being unable to do anything at all. Many people fawn first, and when that doesn’t work, they drop into freeze. If you recognise both, you’re not unusual. You’re someone whose nervous system has more than one survival strategy, and that once served you well.

How to gently come out of shutdown

I’m not going to tell you to simply be more assertive, because if that worked, you’d have done it years ago. You cannot think your way out of freeze, because freeze isn’t happening in the thinking part of your brain. You have to work with the body. Gently.

1. Name it while it’s happening. Even silently saying to yourself “I’m freezing right now” changes something. It moves you from I’m useless to my body is trying to protect me. That shift matters more than it sounds.
2. Come back through your senses. Freeze pulls you out of your body, so the way back in is physical. Press your feet into the floor. Notice the feeling of the chair beneath you. Hold something cold. Look around and silently name five things you can see. You’re showing your nervous system that you’re here, now, and safe.
3. Buy yourself time, out loud. You do not have to respond in the moment. A sentence like “I need a minute to think about this, can we come back to it?” is a complete answer. It’s also, quietly, a boundary, and if boundaries are hard for you, this is one of the gentlest places to start practising.
4. Let the thaw happen afterwards. When your body comes out of freeze, feelings arrive. Shakiness, tears, anger, exhaustion. Let them. Move your body, walk, stretch, breathe slowly, shake out your hands. This helps your body complete the stress cycle instead of storing it, which is one reason so many of us end up wired but tired all the time.
5. Work on your baseline, not just the moment. The more regulated your nervous system is day to day, the less easily it tips into freeze. Small daily practices genuinely add up, and no, you don’t have to meditate.

When to seek support

If shutting down is affecting your relationships, your work or how you feel about yourself, please know that this is exactly the kind of thing therapy can help with. A good therapist won’t push you to “toughen up.” They’ll help your nervous system slowly learn what yours may never have had the chance to learn: that conflict can happen and you can stay safe, present and on your own side.

The mental health charity Mind has helpful information on finding support, and your GP is always a good first step.

And in the meantime, the next time you go quiet in a difficult conversation, try to meet yourself with a little compassion. That silence isn’t weakness. It’s a body that learned, a long time ago, how to keep you safe. Now, gently, you get to teach it that you’re allowed to take up space.

If this resonated, you might also want to read about why you feel responsible for other people’s emotions, because for so many of us, freezing and over-responsibility grew from the same root.

Ready to stop shutting down and start feeling safe in your own body?

Reading about the freeze response is one thing. Actually teaching your nervous system that it’s safe to stay present is another, and it’s so much easier with support.

This is exactly the work I do in my one-to-one sessions. Together we work gently with your body, not against it, so that conflict stops sending you offline and you can finally respond in the moment rather than rehearsing everything at 2am.

Book a session with me here or get in touch if you’d like to ask a question first. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

The post Why Do I Shut Down During Conflict? (Understanding the Freeze Response) first appeared on Sara Vida.

If you keep ending up in relationships where you feel anxious, emotionally exhausted, confused, unseen, or as though you are constantly trying to earn love, you may have started asking yourself a painful question:

“Why do I keep attracting narcissists?”

Usually, people asking this are not selfish, dramatic, weak, or intentionally choosing unhealthy relationships. In fact, it is often the opposite.

They are often deeply empathic, emotionally aware, accommodating, and highly attuned to other people’s needs.

They are the people who:

• give endless chances
• over explain away red flags
• try harder when relationships become difficult
• feel responsible for keeping the connection alive
• stay hopeful long after they are hurting
• believe love and understanding can heal someone

And slowly, often without realising it, they can end up abandoning themselves in relationships that leave them emotionally depleted.

But despite what social media often suggests, the answer is usually more complicated than simply “you attract narcissists.”

The deeper question is often:

Why does this dynamic feel familiar?
Why does emotional inconsistency feel so intense?
Why do I struggle to let go of people who cannot meet my emotional needs?
Why does my nervous system stay attached to emotionally unavailable relationships?

Because most people do not consciously choose relationships that hurt them. Relationship patterns often develop much deeper than logic.

It Often Starts With Familiarity, Not Weakness

One of the hardest things to understand is that we are often drawn towards what feels emotionally familiar, even when it does not feel healthy.

If you grew up around emotional inconsistency, criticism, emotional neglect, unpredictability, conflict, walking on eggshells, or feeling responsible for other people’s moods, your nervous system may have learned that love involves hypervigilance.

You may have unconsciously learned to:

• monitor other people’s emotions closely
• suppress your own needs
• keep the peace
• over function in relationships
• avoid conflict
• become highly sensitive to rejection
• feel anxious when someone pulls away
• work hard for approval or emotional safety

This does not necessarily mean your parents were narcissists. Human relationships are nuanced. But if your emotional needs were not consistently met, you may have adapted by becoming highly focused on maintaining connection.

As adults, this can create strong emotional chemistry with emotionally unavailable people because the dynamic feels familiar.

Not safe. Familiar.

And the nervous system often confuses the two.

If this resonates, you may also relate to my blog on Why Do I Think People Are Mad at Me? which explores hypervigilance and emotional sensitivity in relationships.

Why Narcissistic or Emotionally Unavailable Relationships Feel So Intense

Many people describe these relationships as addictive, magnetic, obsessive, or impossible to let go of.

This is not usually because the relationship is deeply secure or emotionally healthy. Often, it is because inconsistency creates emotional intensity.

When affection, reassurance, validation, attention, or closeness are unpredictable, the brain can become highly focused on trying to get the connection back.

You may notice yourself:

• overthinking messages
• analysing tone changes
• craving reassurance
• replaying conversations
• becoming emotionally preoccupied
• feeling euphoric when things are good
• feeling devastated when they withdraw

This push and pull dynamic can strongly activate the nervous system.

Part of you may unconsciously believe:
“If I can finally get this person to fully choose me, then I’ll finally feel safe, worthy, lovable, or enough.”

But emotionally unavailable relationships often keep people stuck chasing emotional closeness that never fully arrives.

People Pleasing Often Plays a Bigger Role Than Realised

Many people who repeatedly end up in these dynamics are not demanding or controlling. They are often deeply accommodating.

They struggle to:

• say no
• express anger
• ask for reassurance
• tolerate disappointing others
• prioritise their own needs
• leave relationships that hurt them

Sometimes they have become so focused on maintaining connection that they lose touch with themselves entirely.

You may notice yourself:

• excusing behaviour that hurts you
• minimising red flags
• becoming the emotional caretaker
• feeling guilty for having needs
• over empathising with someone’s trauma
• believing that if you love harder, things will change

Compassion is not the problem. Losing yourself is.

Many emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people are unconsciously drawn towards those who over give, over tolerate, and over function emotionally in relationships.

If this pattern feels familiar, you may also relate to:

• How to Stop People Pleasing (Without Feeling Guilty)  https://www.saravida.co/how-to-stop-people-pleasing-without-feeling-guilty/
• Why Do I Feel Responsible for Others’ Emotions? https://www.saravida.co/why-do-i-feel-responsible-for-others-emotions-and-how-to-stop/
• Why You Struggle to Set Boundaries (Even When You Know You Should).  https://www.saravida.co/why-you-struggle-to-set-boundaries-even-when-you-know-you-should/

Trauma Bonding Is Often Misunderstood

The term “trauma bond” is used heavily online now, sometimes inaccurately, but the emotional experience behind it is very real.

Trauma bonding can occur when periods of affection, closeness, apology, or validation are repeatedly mixed with emotional pain, withdrawal, criticism, manipulation, or inconsistency.

The unpredictability itself strengthens attachment.

You may feel:

• unable to leave despite knowing the relationship hurts you
• emotionally dependent on their approval
• relieved by small moments of affection
• confused by the intensity of your attachment
• convinced things will return to how they were in the beginning

This does not mean you are weak.

It means your nervous system has become caught in a cycle of emotional activation and relief.

And many people judge themselves harshly for staying, without recognising how psychologically powerful these dynamics can become.

Sometimes the Relationship Mirrors Older Emotional Wounds

One reason these relationships can feel so emotionally consuming is because they often touch older wounds underneath the surface.

Not feeling chosen.
Not feeling enough.
Feeling emotionally unsafe.
Feeling unseen.
Feeling responsible for keeping connection alive.

Many people are not only grieving the current relationship. They are grieving years of unmet emotional needs underneath it.

This is why healing often goes far beyond simply “learning red flags.”

It involves learning:

• what emotionally safe relationships actually feel like
• how to trust your own emotions
• how to stop abandoning yourself
• how to tolerate healthy boundaries
• how to separate anxiety from love
• how to recognise emotional consistency
• how to stop chasing unavailable people

Because for many people, calm love initially feels unfamiliar.

Sometimes even boring.

Not because something is wrong with them, but because their nervous system has become conditioned to associate love with emotional intensity.

Healing Is Not About Becoming Cold or Guarded

After painful relationships, some people swing to the opposite extreme and emotionally shut down completely.

They stop trusting people.
They fear vulnerability.
They become hyper independent.
They avoid emotional closeness altogether.

But healing is not about becoming harder.

It is about becoming more connected to yourself.

It is about learning to notice:

• when your body feels anxious around someone
• when you are ignoring your own needs
• when you are over functioning emotionally
• when you are chasing reassurance
• when you are mistaking intensity for intimacy

Healthy relationships do not usually leave you constantly confused, anxious, emotionally starved, or exhausted.

Real emotional safety often feels steadier, calmer, clearer, and less emotionally chaotic.

If your nervous system constantly feels overwhelmed, you may also find these helpful:

• How To Calm Your Nervous System Without Meditating
• Tired But Can’t Relax? Why You Can’t Switch Off
• Why Do I Wake Up Feeling Anxious?

You Are Not “Too Much”

One of the saddest things people often internalise after emotionally unavailable relationships is the belief that they were:

• too needy
• too emotional
• too sensitive
• too much

But often, their emotional needs were simply not being met consistently.

There is a difference between emotional dependency and having normal human emotional needs.

Wanting:

• reassurance
• communication
• consistency
• affection
• accountability
• emotional presence
• care

does not make you difficult.

The problem is that many people become accustomed to accepting breadcrumbs while convincing themselves they should need less.

So Why Do You Keep Attracting Narcissists?

The truth is, you probably do not exclusively attract narcissists.

Most people encounter emotionally unavailable people at some point in their lives.

The deeper issue is often:

• who you stay emotionally attached to
• what you tolerate
• what feels emotionally familiar
• what your nervous system interprets as love
• how easily you abandon yourself to maintain connection

Healing these patterns is not about blaming yourself. It is about understanding yourself more compassionately.

Because once you begin recognising these dynamics, things can start to shift.

You begin noticing red flags earlier.
You stop over explaining away harmful behaviour.
You become less drawn to inconsistency.
You stop confusing anxiety with connection.
You begin choosing relationships where you can actually exhale.

And that changes everything.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep attracting narcissists?

Often, it is not that you exclusively attract narcissists, but that emotionally unavailable dynamics feel emotionally familiar. Early relationship experiences, emotional neglect, people pleasing, and nervous system conditioning can all influence relationship patterns.

Can trauma make you attracted to emotionally unavailable people?

Yes. If emotional inconsistency or unpredictability was familiar growing up, emotionally unavailable relationships can feel strangely normal to the nervous system, even when they are painful.

Why are narcissistic relationships so addictive?

These relationships often involve cycles of closeness and withdrawal, which can create intense emotional attachment and nervous system activation. This unpredictability can strengthen emotional dependency over time.

Can therapy help break unhealthy relationship patterns?

Therapy can help you understand attachment patterns, emotional wounds, nervous system responses, people pleasing tendencies, and why certain relationships feel emotionally compelling. Over time, this awareness can help create healthier and more secure relationship patterns.

Final Thoughts

If this pattern feels familiar, it does not mean you are broken, weak, or doomed to repeat it forever.

Often, these relationships are rooted in old survival strategies that once helped you maintain connection, safety, or belonging.

But survival patterns are not the same as healthy love.

Awareness is often the first step towards change.

And healing is not about becoming perfect at relationships. It is about slowly learning that love should not require you to betray yourself in order to keep it.

The post Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists? (And What’s Really Going On) first appeared on Sara Vida.

You can feel it straight away.

Someone walks into the room and their energy has shifted.
They’re quieter than usual. Short in their responses. Slightly off.

And almost instantly, something happens in you.

You start scanning.
What did I say?
Did I do something wrong?
Are they upset with me?

Without even realising it, your attention moves away from yourself and onto them.

You adjust your tone.
You soften your words.
You try to bring things back to “normal”.

You might check in. You might over explain. You might just carry it quietly in your body.

But underneath it all is the same feeling:

It’s on me to make this better.

If you recognise this, you’re not overthinking it.
This is a real pattern. And it runs deeper than you think.

This Isn’t Just You Being “Empathetic”

A lot of people describe this as being caring or sensitive.

But there’s a difference between empathy and emotional responsibility.

Empathy says:
“I can feel what you’re feeling.”

Emotional responsibility says:
“I need to do something about what you’re feeling.”

That second part is where it becomes heavy.

It’s where you start:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Prioritising other people’s needs automatically
Feeling guilty for things that aren’t yours
Carrying the emotional tone of every interaction
Overthinking conversations long after they’ve ended

It can look like you’re calm, capable, and holding everything together.

But inside, it’s exhausting.

The Part No One Talks About

This pattern often gets reinforced.

You’re the one people rely on.
The one who “gets it”.
The one who doesn’t make things difficult.

You might even be told:
You’re so easy to talk to
You’re so supportive
You’re the strong one

And on the surface, that feels good.

But what isn’t seen is what it costs you.

Because you’re not just supporting people.
You’re managing them.

Managing their reactions
Managing their moods
Managing how they feel about you

And somewhere along the way, you stopped checking in with yourself.

Where This Actually Comes From

This isn’t random.

This pattern is learned, and it usually starts early.

If you grew up in an environment where emotions felt unpredictable or overwhelming, your system adapted.

You might have learned to:
Read the room quickly
Notice subtle shifts in tone or behaviour
Stay one step ahead of conflict
Keep things calm to feel safe

Not because anyone explicitly told you to.

But because your nervous system worked out:
“This is how I stay connected. This is how I avoid rejection. This is how I stay safe.”

In person centred terms, this can link to conditions of worth.

You learn, often unconsciously, that being accepted or loved is tied to how you behave.

Be easy
Be good
Don’t upset anyone
Don’t be too much

From a transactional analysis perspective, this often sits in the adapted child.

The part of you that shaped itself around others in order to maintain connection.

And somatically, your body becomes wired for hyper awareness.

You’re not just thinking about other people’s emotions.
Your body is tracking them.

Constantly.

Why It Feels So Automatic Now

Because it is.

This isn’t a conscious decision you’re making in the moment.

It’s a learned response that now runs on autopilot.

Your system has linked:

Other people’s emotions = something I need to respond to
Other people’s discomfort = something I need to fix
Disconnection = something I need to avoid

So even if part of you knows:
“This isn’t actually mine”

Your body still reacts as if it is.

That’s why it feels so hard to stop.

Why “Just Set Boundaries” Doesn’t Work

You’ve probably heard this before.

“Just set boundaries”
“Just stop people pleasing”
“Just say no”

And logically, it makes sense.

But when this pattern is rooted in your nervous system, it’s not that simple.

Because when you try to step back, you might feel:
Guilty
Anxious
On edge
Like you’ve done something wrong

You might start overthinking:
Are they upset now?
Did I handle that badly?
Should I have said something differently?

So you go back to what feels safer.

Smoothing things over.
Taking responsibility.
Keeping the peace.

Not because you want to.

But because your system is trying to protect you.

The Emotional Cost of Carrying This

Over time, this builds.

You might notice:

You feel drained after being around people, even people you care about
You struggle to fully relax, even when nothing is wrong
You feel responsible for keeping relationships stable
You hold in frustration or resentment because it feels easier than expressing it
You lose clarity on what you actually feel or need

There’s often a quiet sense of:
“I’m always there for everyone else, but no one really sees me.”

And that can feel incredibly lonely.

What Actually Helps (Without Forcing Yourself to Change Overnight)

This isn’t about suddenly becoming someone who doesn’t care.

It’s about slowly separating what’s yours from what isn’t.

Start with awareness, not action

Instead of trying to stop the behaviour straight away, begin by noticing it.

When you feel that pull to fix or manage, pause and ask:

What am I picking up on right now?
What am I assuming?
Is this actually mine to carry?

You don’t need to change anything yet.

Just noticing is enough to begin with.

Bring attention back to your body

This pattern lives in your body as much as your mind.

Notice what happens physically when someone is upset or distant.

Tightness in your chest
A drop in your stomach
A sense of urgency
A need to do something

Instead of acting on it immediately, stay with the sensation for a moment.

This is where the shift happens.

Experiment with not fixing

You don’t have to stop completely.

But you can begin to create small moments where you don’t step in straight away.

Let a pause exist.
Let someone have their feeling without managing it.

Notice what comes up in you when you don’t act.

That discomfort is part of the pattern softening.

Reconnect with your own internal experience

When you’re used to focusing on everyone else, you can lose connection with yourself.

Start gently bringing it back.

What am I feeling right now?
What do I need?
What do I actually want in this moment?

Not what you should do.
Not what would keep things smooth.

But what is true for you.

You Were Never Meant to Carry This Much

This isn’t a flaw in you.

It’s something you adapted to.

And it likely made sense at the time.

But what kept you safe then may now be keeping you stuck.

You don’t have to keep managing everyone else in order to feel okay.

You don’t have to keep adjusting yourself to maintain connection.

There is a different way of relating
where you can care about others
without carrying them

and stay connected to yourself at the same time.

If this resonated

This is the work I do with clients.

Not surface level behaviour change
but understanding the deeper patterns underneath
so things shift in a way that actually lasts

You can explore working with me at
https://saravida.co

The post Why Do I Feel Responsible for Others’ Emotions? And How to Stop first appeared on Sara Vida.

The post How To Calm Your Nervous System Without Meditating first appeared on Sara Vida.